My 20 week scan: the relief only lasted a few days.

For years, the 20-week scan felt like an impossible milestone.

Every pregnancy before this had taught me not to think that far ahead. So walking into that scan room, I carried the same fear I have before every appointment. I held my breath while they looked at every tiny detail, waiting for someone to tell me something was wrong.

Instead, we watched our little girl wriggle around on the screen. They checked her heart, her brain, her spine, her tiny hands and feet, and every part of her that they possibly could. We were told she was healthy.

For the first time in a long time, I felt relief.

It wasn't excitement exactly. It was more like my body finally let go of its grip for a moment. I remember leaving the hospital thinking, maybe we really are going to meet her.

I wanted to hold onto that feeling for as long as I could.

But within a week, I could feel the anxiety quietly making its way back.

I was checking the toilet every time I went, looking for blood before I'd even looked properly. Every unfamiliar feeling made me question whether something had changed. My mind started preparing itself for bad news again, despite everything telling me that things were okay.

I realised that milestones don't heal a nervous system that has spent years expecting loss.

Something else surprised me too.

Everyone around us became more excited after the 20-week scan, and understandably so. People would ask if we'd chosen a name, whether we'd started buying things yet, if we were planning a baby shower, or whether I was finally feeling excited.

They're beautiful questions, asked with so much love.

But each one reminded me how differently I was experiencing this pregnancy.

I found myself smiling, answering politely, saying all the things people probably hoped to hear. Inside, though, I felt frozen. I wasn't avoiding joy because I didn't want this baby. I was protecting myself in the only way my nervous system knew how.

After five miscarriages, safety doesn't suddenly appear because you've reached a milestone. Your body remembers every scan room, every pause, every piece of bad news that came before.

I've also noticed something else changing.

I'm analysing my relationships more than ever. Wondering whether people understand. Wondering whether I'm disappointing them by not feeling the way they expect me to feel. Wondering if I'm somehow getting pregnancy wrong because fear still takes up so much space.

The truth is, I desperately want to feel what everyone else feels.

I want to buy tiny clothes without hesitation. I want to plan a nursery. I want to talk about names without my mind whispering, what if...

Maybe one day that will come.

For now, I'm learning that healing isn't reaching one milestone and suddenly becoming fearless. It's allowing myself to experience moments of calm without feeling guilty when the anxiety returns.

If you're walking through pregnancy after loss, and you've reached a milestone only to find yourself feeling exactly as scared a week later, I hope you know this:

You haven't gone backwards.

Your nervous system is simply trying to protect a heart that has been broken before.

And maybe, for now, finding brief moments of peace is enough.

x